


Illusions

by JaredKleinman



Category: Be More Chill, Musicals - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 10:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11712639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaredKleinman/pseuds/JaredKleinman
Summary: Michael Mell trying to get over his unrequited love for Jeremy...





	Illusions

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Make-Believe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11562564) by [MrsToriPears](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsToriPears/pseuds/MrsToriPears). 



> This is based on a fanfiction which is called ,,make-believe" By MrsToriPears.  
> I recommend reading it because, dammit, it´s too good to miss! This story is just beautiful and if you posess something like a beating heart I think you´ll enjoy it as much as I did...
> 
> Oh and english isn´t my native language, so sorry if there are some mistakes in the stuff I wrote :,D

Their first kiss.

He remembered it clearly. Remembered how Daniel lowered his head, how he gently cupped his chin, how their lips moved against each other...He remembered how frightened he was the moment he looked at Daniels eyes and how all the fear vanished when his lips touched Michaels.

It could have been perfect.

It could have been the perfect, clumsy and cheesy first kiss between them if his brain hadn´t decided to interefere by imagining Jeremy. How Jeremy was the one kissing him right now, placing his hands around his waist, lifting Michael up a little. Jeremy who was sitting in their apartment right now, probably masturbating to straight porn, Jeremy who - _No.  
_

He couldn´t do this anymore.

He couldn´t get lost in this stupid, hopeless love of his for all eternity. He told Jeremy he wanted to move on and that was what he was going to do. _Now._

Jere- _Daniel´s_ lips pressed longingly against his and Michael let his hand cup Jere- _Daniel´s_ cheek, so he could deepen the kiss. He needed to distract himself, he didn´t want to think of him, didn´t want to decieve Daniel like that but...

_One last time...One last time to say goodbye..._

_No!_

His own head was seducing him, he knew this would just make things worse than they were now, he knew he shouldn´t do what he was about to but...Just this one time...only now? This should be fine, right? Couldn´t hurt anybody, could it? Right? _Right?_

_Right._

He placed his arms around Jeremy´s neck and deepened the kiss.

\----

This wasn´t the last time he imagined Jeremy, while kissing Daniel, but Michael managed like he always did and with the weeks and months passing, the illusions became less frequent till they finally stopped completely and he began to think that he could really, honestly love this guy. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but in a few years or even months...who knows?  
He was cute and caring and funny and Michael really liked him but there was still something which made him feel nervous.

Despite they made out for too many times to count and touched each other frequently, they haven´t made the real deal yet. They still needed to beat the endboss, to feed the pac-man, to - _god dammit, just say it outlod -_ have sex.  
And today was _totally_ the day they were going to change that. Even after the incident a few days ago, when Jeremy accidentally told Daniel about Michaels crush on him - he convinced Daniel that this time was over and he meant it. He was ready to move on - to move on with Daniel.  
Michael nervously tugged at his sleeve, while waiting for Daniel to open the door. He was sure about this, Daniel wanted to do it today and he was absolutely not going to freak out about this.

_Not. Going to freak out. about -_

,,Hey, Michael!"

_Okay fuck it._

Daniel was leaning against the doorframe and wearing a white shirt and dark, expensive looking trousers which were emphasizing the parts of his body which -  
  
_Breath, Michael. You are just a twenty-two year old virgin, who subsits on chips and looks like it - Nothing to worry about._

,,Hey, Daniel! How have you been?" he said and smiled at him, hoping it looked smoother than he felt like it did.Daniel chuckled and ruffled Michaels hair.

,,I called you like two hours ago, but thanks I am fine."

Michael grinned weakly and wanted to slap himself across the face but thought it was smarter to just let it be. They began to talk about random stuff, something which was fun and games under normal circumstances but today Michael couldn´t really concentrate on the things he said or heard. He was to preoccupied with wondering about how he was supposed to behave when Daniel started...the thing.  
Should he act cool and smooth or rather be his normal, clumsy, embaressed self? Or should he take control in his own hands and - okay, no he could never do something like that but maybe if he ...

,,Michael?"

Michael shrieked and turned his attention immediatly back to Daniel.

,,So what would you say?"

Michael panicked. He didn´t listen to Daniel at all and had no clue about how he was going to answer this question, but since he thought he knew what Daniel had asked him anyway - considering the way he sat a little closer and his eyes looked a little bit more concerned than usual - he decided to just get it over with, took a deep breath and...

,,YesIwouldtotallysleepwithyou!"

His face turned tomato-red and he covered his face with his hands and sank back into the cussions.

,,What?"

Daniel looked confused.

 _Daniel looked confused._ _Daniel loo- Oh shit._

,,Michael, honestly, what´s up with you today?" , he sounded concerned. ,,You were distant for the whole time, stuttering like this was our first date and when I ask you to get you a hot coffee and a blanket to calm you down you say you want to sleep with me? Michael, what is wrong?"

In such moments Michael just wanted to melt. He was so lucky to have a boyfriend like Daniel who wouldn´t juge him for being a stuttering, blushing mess all day and who could cope with his uncertainity instead of getting annoyed. He felt he didn´t love him as much as he should but...In a few months. Or maybe weeks?

,,I...I thought you wanted to have sex today and got a little nervous about it, I guess."  
  
Daniel blinked. One time, two times.

And then he began to laugh. He reached forward, pressed Michael against his chest and laughed, while kissing the top of his head. It took a few moments till he got a hold of himself, but when he did, he cupped Michaels cheeks and made him look up at him.

,,Why are you so god-damn cute?"  
  
,,I-I didn´t knew I was..." , Michael tried to look away and laughed shyly.

,,I didn´t plan on having sex with you today if that calms you and not ever if you don´t feel like you wanted to do it."

Michael smiled relieved, and captured Daniels lips with his own, following a sudden urge as he rested his arms around his neck and whispered ,,But I want to sleep with you." in his ear.  
And he really did. He wanted to make love to this guy, wanted to love him with all he could and maybe such intimate contact would help to finally fall for him. Maybe not in a few weeks, maybe today.  
  
It didn´t took Daniel long to process what he heard and within seconds Michael found himself carried on Daniels arms, while the other gave him a loving kiss. Michael chuckled against his lips, before reuniting them again. They didn´t even part, when Daniel laid him down on his bed and rested himself above him, gently kissing his neck and leaving some marks.  
  
It felt good. Really, really good and Michael closed his eyes, focusing on the hands and lips on his body, oh so carefully brushing down his sides, beneath his shirt, opening a few buttons. He was about to completly get lost in those feelings, when he remembered that he was probably expected to do something as well and so he grapped Daniels shirt and unbuttoned it with a confidence he never knew he´d posess. (Okay, maybe not _that_ confident, his hands were trembling after all, but it was at least something, alright?)

Daniel grapped Michael´s  hands and interlaced his fingers with.

,,You truly are nervous, aren´t you?"

Michael nodded. Daniel kissed him softly on the lips, then looked at him seriously.

,,Are you still a virgin?"

Michael nodded again, this time a deep shade of red spreading on his cheeks. He looked away.

,,I didn´t want to tell you, because I was afraid you might laugh and..." _I always imagined my first time with someone else_ ,,and I really wanted to do this with you, so..."

,,I feel honoured you trust me that much, Michael. I´ll be as carefull as possible and if you want to stop, just tell me, alright?"

Green eyes looked at him lovingly an Michael smiled wide.

,,Thank you."

Then soft lips brushed against his and he got lost in a deep, emotional kiss, he thought about how Daniel looked at him before. With those honest, caring green eyes.

Green eyes.

_Green eyes? Daniel´s eyes aren´t...No. No!_

And suddenly it was Jeremy all over again. Jeremy who undressed him right now, while whispering sweet nothings in his ear, Jeremy who kissed him, Jeremy who made him feel so loved. The touches somehow became more intense, felt better and Michael didn´t want this.  
No, that was wrong: He didn´t want to want this.  
He struggled against the illusion his brain wanted him to live ,  
( _It´s senceless, stop doing that! )_  
struggled against Jeremy and desperatly tried to focus on Daniels scent...

It didn´t work. Daniel was right. Jeremy was still there. He still loved him, he still wanted him, he couldn´t get rid of the imagination of Jeremy being the one doing this to him.  
The memory of their first kiss flushed his mind and a single tear made it´s way down his cheek.  
He would never be able to let Jeremy go.  
And he should tell Daniel to stop. He even opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out.

Instead he lost himself - _again_ \- in illusions he shouldn´t have. His body became more sensitive, Jeremy´s breath in his neck gave him goosebumps, his lips seemed softer, it tasted better. He pressed his chest against Jeremy´s and kissed him deeply - his eyes were shut the whole time.  
Jeremy was so carefull, so loving, treated him like procelain, kissed him so sweet.

,,I love you." , Michael whispered in Jeremy´s ear. ,,I love you,  I love you, _I love you_."  and he wanted to say so much more, wanted to apologize, wanted to tell him how beautiful he was, but he wasn´t able to, because Jeremy was about to open his belt, to finally take the innocence, he kept his entire life, saved just for  him and Michael could do nothing but watch.

It felt amazing. Amazing, incredible, beautiful.  
And all the time, the suffering, the worries it all paid off the moment he came with Jeremy´s name on his lips...

 

And suddenly everything crashed down.

The illusion didn´t fade, it broke into several peaces, fell to the ground with a loud burst and Michael realised he just cried out Jeremy´s name, while sleeping with his boyfriend.

Daniel stared at him.  
Just stared, he didn´t say anything, but Michael couldn´t read his face either - it was blank. For a few seconds which felt like an eternity they remained silent, just looked at each other in horror and disbelieve.

,,Oh my god."  
  
Daniel broke the silence, stood up from the bed and began to walk around the room, his hands furiosly messing with his hair.

,,Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god!"

,,Daniel, I´m sorry!" , tears began to moisten Michael´s cheeks. There he was, messing everything up again. Just his luck, stupid Michael, doing stupid things, hurting all the people he loved. He wanted to die.

,,You said you didn´t love him anymore!"  
  
,,I really thought so!"

,,You wanted to _convince_ yourself, Michael!" , Daniels voice became louder and Michael couldn´t stand it. Never once in the time he knew him Daniel rose his voice against him and here he stood, practically shouting at him.  
  
,,Please don´t shout at me." , Michaels voice broke and he began to sobb right after he finished his sentence. ,,Please don´t..."  
  
Daniel immediatly felt sorry for him, he didn´t mean to shout. Didn´t he know it all the way? Didn´t he know Michael was as inlove with Jeremy as on the first day he met him in the club? Didn´t he just try to lie to himself as much as Michael did?

He sat down beside him and took a deep breath.

,,Michael, I am not mad at you. I -"  
  
,,Why not?!" , Michael cried out , ,,I just called the name of my best friend while sleeping with you, stop being so nice! I don´t deserve it."

,,Actually Michael, I think you deserve much more than me. You deserve Jeremy."

,,He doesn´t love me."

,,He does. Maybe even more than I do. And even if he doesn´t want to have sex with you, I´m sure he trusts you with his life. I love you Michael and I want to be by your side, but not if you just want to distract yourself with me. I know you like me, but your heart belongs with Jeremy and you know that as well as I do. I am in second place, I always was. Let´s break up, let´s stay friends but I can´t be in a relationship with someone who pretends. And you can´t either."  
  
Michael stared at Daniel for a few seconds, tears drying on his cheeks, just to be replaced by new ones, when he let himself sink into Daniels arms, crying silently, his body trembling.  
  
,,I am sorry. I am sorry, I am sorry."

,,You don´t have to be. Everything will turn out fine. Jeremy knows you love him, just show it. I´m sure he wasn´t afraid, actually I think he needs a person to love him. I have the feeling no one but you truly did."

Michael looked at Daniel and smiled a little bit.

,,I guess I better head home, right?"

,,I´ll drive you."


End file.
